


The Complications of Being There

by ymeer



Series: All's Fair [2]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: (of danarius. long may he rot), Angst, Crying, Cuddling, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Warning for Danarius, sort of...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 12:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3529721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ymeer/pseuds/ymeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris kills Danarius in the same way as happens in game. However instead of Hawke, it's established-relationship Anders who goes to see him afterwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> me: *says I'm going to write cuddling*  
> me: *writes this instead*  
> me: F-. failed in fluff. Cuddling will be next chapter if anyone's wondering. (This sure as hell isn't cuddling)

Anders had not been there. Of course, the mage had been in the Hanged Man. Fenris had seen feathers flying as spells were cast, taking down shades and slavers and nearly anyone who got too close to Fenris for his liking. 

But it was not Anders. 

Fenris had guessed, early on, that Anders wouldn't truly be there. He had still hoped, however, that the mage would be shooting out healing spells instead of fireballs. 

It still made him uncomfortable, however. When the spirit watched him kill Danarius, and when he killed Varania, and when he left the room with no more than a glance to the abomination. 

=====

He knew that he was foolish for believing in any of it. Foolish to believe that his sister would truly be loyal to him. Foolish to believe that Danarius would ever let him go without dying first, and foolish to believe that Anders would truly fight beside him in the sense that he had needed. 

Fenris' wounds, now almost always healed after battle by the mage, were covered up by some of the bandages Anders had left him. They felt raw and unusual - perhaps he had become softer by allowing Anders to heal him so frequently. Learning to deal with the pain was something that a warrior must do eventually - to not do so is cheating in the most basic sense. 

So now he was sitting in front of the fireplace, looking at the moldy wet wood as if the ferocity of his gaze might persuade it to light. A bottle of wine was gripped in his hand as he looked around at the borrowed mansion. It was not his - none of this was truly his. Bandages borrowed from a mage, a home that was not his own. It was not that he did not want to leave the place for somewhere better, but it was true that he did not have anywhere else to go. 

There were some nights when he might have gone to the Hanged Man instead, to enjoy the revelry that came with bad ale and raunchy jokes. The place likely still reeked of blood magic and Danarius, however, and he would not return for quite some time. 

He considered going to the Clinic. It was a place of healing, after all, but he remembered looking over at Anders, hoping to see the look of compassion and worry that so frequently graced the healer's face, only to see blue cracks and a fury barely contained by the mage's body. He could not seek Anders out now - he wanted his healer, not a vengeful spirit that concerned itself with him only for the lyrium laced throughout his skin. (Anders had admitted that this was the reason why he was permitted to interact with Fenris so frequently. If he was any other, there would have been objections and mentions of distractions from the fade spirit.)

The elf's brooding was momentarily interrupted by a knock on the door. Cautiously, he grabbed his sword and laid down the bottle of wine, opening the door to find Anders holding a basket covered by a worn and patchworked cloth. 

"Fenris, maker, you're here. I thought you might have left."

"I am still here. The question is, are you?" Fenris

Try as he might, Anders couldn't help but look hurt. He _was_ hurt, after all. But he knew that now was not the time for him to be asking for forgiveness from Fenris - now was a time where he could only offer himself to the elf in apology, and also in understanding. "Of course I am."

"Well...well perhaps that is the problem, then. You...you and your _magic_ and your gifts, always giving, always. I do not need it. I do not...I.." Fenris staggered back to sit on a chair behind him. "Get your magic out of here. It is not welcome."

Nodding, Anders turned towards the open door, only to find Fenris standing in front of him after a flash of lyrium light. The chair the elf had previously been sitting on wobbled and then fell over with the force. "Not you." Fenris growled, shutting the door. "Just your magic."

"Fenris, you've had a hard day, please, you know I can't do that." _And I wouldn't, even if I could._ Anders added as an afterthought, silently. 

Fenris looked at Anders, perplexed, before walking over to the chair and setting it upright. "I have seen you do it. None of it is with you when you are laying with me. Not your spirit, not your magic. I see none of it."

Anders' hand squeezed the handle of the basket he held before setting it down. "Then you are not looking. I'll come back in the morning, when you're ready to have a conversation that doesn't involve you thinking I'm something I'm not." 

"Blighted, lying...agh." Fenris calmed his voice before it turned into a yell. "I see no magic in our bed."

"Fenris, I'm a mage." Anders stated, trying to look the elf directly in the eyes. "I have magic in my blood and in my heart, and I do not let it go when I close my eyes in front of you."

The elf stepped back a few paces, shaking his head as he glanced towards the stairs. "Listen to me, mage. I just want Anders."

"I _am_ Anders. I've never not been a mage, Fenris." Anders walked slowly towards Fenris, reaching out a hand.

"Why?" Fenris sounded pained as he looked over at Anders, his eyes watery. "Why could you not have been anything else? A merchant off the street, a simple apothecary, _anything_."

Pulling back his hand, Anders shook his head. "I can't be a merchant off the street any more than you could be. Fenris, if you don't want me around you can tell me that, but you can't simply pick parts of me that you like and leave the rest."

"I know." Fenris looked to the ground, watching Anders' laced boots stand still on the broken tiles beneath them. "I know this. I know it is unfair for me to wish you apart from your magic, but nothing about this has ever been fair, has it? What Maker would stand for this? Why can't you just be a man like any other? Why is none of this ever _**fair**_?!" All the fury and outrage at his fate returned to Fenris in that moment, yet he had no idea why. This was not the time. He was safe here. He did not need to be so full of hate here. Not right now. It simply felt as if there was nothing he could do about it. 

"Fenris, I am a man like any other." Anders swallowed, willing his courage to return to him as he stepped towards the warrior. "I am more than that. I am a man who has promised you that I will be with you until you ask me to leave, and...I am also a mage. I am not ashamed of it, but I am ashamed at what other mages have done to you, and I promise that I would never use my magic or anything in my power to hurt you directly." When the toes of his boots were nearly touching Fenris' bare ones, Anders stopped, looking across at the elf. "I will leave if you want me to. If you truly want me to." He sighed, his own eyes watering a bit as he saw the elf's expression wavering between anger and something far more tender. "But if you do not, I would ask if I can stay."

"It isn't fair...." Fenris shook his head before staring blankly at the black feathers covering Anders' shoulders. 

"None of it is. But this? This is okay, Fenris. This is good." Anders tried to reassure both of them as he rested a hand on the other man's shoulder. "This is giving us an opportunity to make up for some of the unfairness."

"This conversation is no longer about the past! Argh, can't you see?" Fenris was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to pull away. "My own emotions betray me! What good is it if I rip out the hearts of a hundred mages if mine is still possessed by yet another one?"

Anders froze, his throat felt as if it couldn't form words, until it finally could and he realized that he could breathe again. "Mages are not all the same, Fenris. I am not going to ever try and hurt you like they did."

"You are still a mage." 

"Yes." 

"And yet you wish me to trust you when you say things like that?"

"I trust you with every beat of my heart." Anders said, reaching down with his other hand to grab Fenris' and bring it up towards his chest. He slipped the elf's palm between two buttons of his coat, so that Fenris could feel his heartbeat through the thin cloth fabric of his undershirt. "Even if you reached your hand into my chest right now, I would trust you."

"It still isn't fair." Fenris considered for a moment whether or not he would phase his hand, but eventually he decided against it. He was unsure if he even was capable of phasing into another's body without causing true permanent damage. 

"No, it's not."

"It may be though, someday." Pulling his hand away from Anders' chest, Fenris sighed, looking up the stairs. "Does your promise to stay still stand?"

"Always." Anders murmured, looking around the room before following the elf upstairs. Their discussion would wait until morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cuddling + confessions

Anders had removed his coat before they even got to Fenris' bedroom. It was better that way, Fenris thought, as he watched Anders sit down on the side of the bed. Anders looked less like a mage when he was not wearing something that so resembled robes. Catching his thoughts before they ran too far off, Fenris scolded himself. It was clear that Anders would always be a mage, no matter what he was wearing. 

"Fenris, your armour is covered in blood. Let me?" Anders asked from the bed, reaching an arm out to the still-standing elf. 

Shifting around a bit, Fenris nodded, removing his gauntlets easily as he turned to face Anders. "You may assist me."

"What are you turning around for, all the buckles are on the back. Silly elf." Anders murmured affectionately as he stood up. He was trying to make up for their argument earlier - Fenris was likely still not over his anger, but Anders wanted to make sure that the emotion didn't rear its head again that night. 

Grumbling, Fenris turned to face the wall as Anders' fingers worked the buckles and ties that kept his breastplate in place. "Are you still mad at me?" Anders felt like he was back in the circle again, trying to reconcile his friends after he'd done something reckless. 

"No." Fenris admitted, his hands catching the breastplate as the last fastenings were released. "I am not."

"I was afraid." Anders hadn't wanted to say it out loud, but he knew that Fenris wanted to hear it, and it was the truth after all. "There was a time where I wasn't sure what would happen, and I couldn't...I couldn't fight with the thought of you being taken by that _monster_ running through my head. I needed...I just couldn't do it alone. I'm sorry. I knew you wanted me there."

"Fear is not an excuse for abandoning me in my time of need. You think I had no fear?" Fenris' voice wavered as he stared at the wall, glad for once that he could not see Anders' face. 

"It's not an excuse, it's just an explanation." Anders offered.

"I looked over to you and instead of the man I...instead of you I saw your _demon_." The ice in Fenris' voice seemed to ricochet off the walls and back at Anders, where it hit him full force. 

"I'm here now." 

Fenris' breath shuddered for a minute as it caught in his throat before he stepped back, leaning against the mage's chest with the familiarity that their time together had brought. 

Resting his head on the elf's shoulder, Anders wrapped his arms around Fenris' waist, clasping in the middle as he clung to his lover. "You are far braver than I ever was. It wasn't even my own life that I was fighting for, yet I still let Justice lead. I'm so sorry, Fenris."

The breastplate dropped to the worn rug with a muted clang as Fenris relaxed himself. Bringing his now-free hands to sit atop Anders', he nodded, blond hair brushing his cheek as he did so. "Promise you will not leave tonight?"

"I promise." Anders smiled a bit into Fenris' shoulder, glad that most of the spiky bits of his armour had come off with the breastplate. "I'm not even sure what I'd be doing with time alone right now anyways. Worrying about you, probably."

"So you admit it, you do worry."

"Shut up." Anders rocked sideways a bit, bringing Fenris with him as he swayed. "Do you want to go to bed?"

Fenris tensed again, bringing any movement to a standstill. "I.." There were things he had said previously, downstairs in the foyer, that could not be unsaid. Fenris had told Anders specifically that his heart was in the mage's hands, and yet Anders had made no movement to speak about it so far. It was discomfiting. "I would like that." He decided, still standing stiff as a board. "You have not made an effort to ask me about certain.. things."

"I sort of figured that they were your things to say and shouldn't be subjected to prodding from me." Anders sighed, worrying a bit now. "Are you alright?"

"No."

Anders didn't want to say what he said next, but he knew that it was needed. "If me leaving and ending this will make you feel less..conflicted about things, I can leave now, while we still haven't said anything that you might have trouble with in the future."

"Conflicted about you being a mage, you mean." Fenris felt the pain and fear in Anders' voice reflecting back on him, and he leaned back into Anders' chest, hopefully as a sign of reassurance. "You misunderstand. I am...glad that I have found someone. Yet I am furious at myself for permitting that someone to be you."

"Fenris? Can you not be so honest next time you have to tell me something like that? Maybe just a simple no would suffice." Anders eyes were squeezed shut against the elf's shoulder, just in case any tears might sneak their way out.

"I was not finished." Fenris rubbed his thumb over the back of Anders' hand, trying to give the mage some affection. "My happiness is stronger than my anger, I do not wish for you to leave, Anders."

"If all you want is someone to do...whatever it is I do, Fenris, there are plenty of people out there who can do that without being _me_." Anders hated himself for saying it, but if all Fenris wanted was someone to care for him, there were plenty who might do a better job.

"No. I..maker, damn it. Anders, I don't _want_ anyone else. How could there even be anyone like you? You are an anomaly, you are an impossible man, I don't want to go looking for someone else." Fenris thought of the times Anders would stay up late writing or healing, and then go on missions the following day only to come back to Fenris tired and pliant and searching for comfort. There was nobody who could both wear a Tevinter Chantry amulet and yet renounce blood magic fervently and incessantly. "I can't." The elf added, hoping it would prove his point.

The arms around Fenris' chest constricted tighter, to the point where Fenris was beginning to feel as if Anders might have been better suited to hugging a pillow this one time. (Although he knew he would not sacrifice being able to comfort Anders right now for the world, if things came down that.) 

"Then I guess I can say it, can't I? If you're not going to send me away?" Anders asked, loosening his grip a little bit after Fenris shuffled his feet uncomfortably. 

There would be no going back after this. Both of them knew it. "I will hear. But I would do it while looking in your eyes." Fenris elaborated, finally letting go of Anders' hands and tugging away.

Unfortunately, when Fenris turned around, his face was full of worry. Anders could tell that the elf was waiting for something horrible to happen - or perhaps he was simply scared about the consequences of such a confession might be. Making his best effort not to seem disappointed (he wasn't, really), Anders reached a hand up to Fenris' cheek. "Maybe we'll do it later, okay? Talking about this. Today's been busy enough." 

Fenris visibly relaxed when Anders said it, nodding and stepping towards the bed. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. It's a simple kindness. I know it's overwhelming." Anders admitted, sitting down on the bed as he unlaced his boots. "To be honest, with all the things I've done, I haven't had much experience with it either. It just wasn't really possible in the circle. Not completely. Then I was on the run, and I couldn't spare any time for that. And then, I guess you know the rest, don't you." 

Fenris rolled back the covers as Anders finished with his boots. "You make it sound as if I know everything about you." 

Now in his trousers and tunic, Anders slid under the sheets, looking up at Fenris expectantly. "Everything that's worth knowing." He reached a hand up in hopes that Fenris would join him sooner or later. "Are you just going to stand there?" 

"I was simply waiting to see what amount of the bed you would insist on taking up this time. Three quarters is a lot, you know." Fenris was glad, now, that they were talking about this instead of Danarius. This was better, and he had enough alcohol in him to not be so averse to the comfortable interactions that Anders frequently instigated. 

Anders pouted, his hand falling back to the bed. "First of all, my side is right by yours. And secondly, I would move if you asked me to. I just sort of figured that you'd be up for some..uh..."

"If you wished to engage in cuddling, you could've just said that, mage." 

"Hmph. That's pretty obviously what I want, nearly all the time, really. I just sort of figured it was implied. Get into bed now, Fenris?" 

"I agree on one condition." Fenris was starting to worry again. He had never asked for anything like this before. "In bed, it is always a certain way with us. Today has been taxing, I would have...I would have our roles reversed tonight." 

Anders eyes lit up with something that could only be described as elation. "You'll let me? Fenris, of course I will." Calming the expression on his face, he rolled over, waiting for Fenris to join him. "Come here, you big prickly elf. The night will be over before we know it."

"I'm not big. You are taller than me." Fenris corrected Anders, cautiously slipping under the covers and turning towards the mage.

"I always sort of just forget that fact, you know? Your presence is a little more intimidating than mine is, most of the time." Anders supposed he was a little bit more intimidating when Justice took charge, but he didn't want to mention that when Fenris was letting himself be cuddled for the first time. 

Fenris scoffed, his eyes focused on Anders' shirt. "What am I meant to do here?" He still felt uncomfortable about asking for touch and affection, most of the time. However he knew Anders did it nearly incessantly when they were alone, and if the mage could do it, he ought to be able to do so as well. 

"Just...ah...come here. Maker's balls, you're cold. What were you doing before I got here? Soaking in a tub of ice water?" Anders pulled Fenris a little closer as he wrapped his arms around the elf's shoulders. The proximity let him bend his knees a bit and entangle his legs with Fenris'. 

Shuddering, Fenris closed his eyes, resting one of his arms on Anders' waist as he let the mage warm him up. "That may have been a better way to spend the time. Unfortunately, I...." He paused, looking up at Anders to find golden eyes gazing at him. "You are staring."

"I'm just wondering how someone as beautiful as you could have feet as painfully cold as yours. I might get frostbite." 

"Then heal it afterwards." Fenris muttered, pressing his bare feet against the mage's calves as payback for the comment. "They'll warm up eventually."

"Just like you." Anders voice was doing the thing where it slowly became more and more sickeningly affectionate and started to say more and more ridiculously sweet things. Fenris couldn't tell if he adored it or if he loathed it. 

"Excuse me?"

"You were all icy in the beginning, now you're right here, all... _you_." Anders seemed far away, which was likely the reason his thoughts were so haphazardly getting across. 

"All _me_? Anders, you make no sense." Fenris closed his eyes again, snuggling up to Anders' chest. 

"Hush, I make perfect sense." Anders sighed contentedly as the elf got closer. He hoped his heart wasn't speeding up too much, now that Fenris could hear it. 

"I disagree."

"Can I say something that makes a little more sense?" Anders sounded hesitant, but he felt like this was the right time. Fenris felt safe - he could tell because the elf was relaxed and calm in his arms, and he felt as if he was being entrusted with something precious. He wanted to share something precious with Fenris as well.

"Yes." Fenris nodded, his hair scratching against the cloth of the sheets and of Anders' tunic. "Say it."

"I love you." One of Anders' hands drifted up to comb through Fenris' hair as he said it. 

"I am glad you were here tonight, and that you stayed." Fenris said back. He was not ready for saying the statement himself, not yet. But it felt good to hear it from someone else. More than someone else, he reminded himself. From Anders. 

"Me too."

**Author's Note:**

> lessons from this chapter?  
> 1\. I'm really gay.  
> 2\. I can only write sad stuff.


End file.
